


Michelle's Ex-Boyfriends!? The Scariest Monster Yet?! Showdown At Crown Café!

by rosepetalrevolution



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: Canon - Anime Dub, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 10:28:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3131198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosepetalrevolution/pseuds/rosepetalrevolution
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perfect cousins Amara and Michelle visit the Crown Café and run into Serena and the other Sailor Scouts, as well as Michelle's ex-boyfriends Brad and Mike.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Michelle's Ex-Boyfriends!? The Scariest Monster Yet?! Showdown At Crown Café!

As the two most beautiful cousins at Infinity Academy High School, Amara and Michelle, walked down the street toward their favorite café, everyone driving by couldn’t help but stare.

“Wow!” the people thought. “What beautiful teenagers who show absolutely no signs of being in a romantic relationship with each other whatsoever!”

Michelle hooked her arm around Amara’s as they entered the café, because everyone likes walking around like they’re strolling down the Yellow Brick Road with Dorothy and her friends, right? And maybe it was cold, so it only makes sense that Michelle would pull herself closer to her cousin’s tall, lean body, the scent of Amara’s cologne that Michelle loved so much lingering on her school blazer.

As the two beautiful cousins were being seated, Serena and her gang saw them from their favorite corner booth.

“Wow, Amara and Michelle are here! They sure are the best looking pair of cousins I’ve ever seen!” Raye exclaimed in a flustered voice, fanning herself with a menu. “Totes magotes, girlfriend!” Amy said excitedly, sliding her glasses up her nose so she could get a better look at them. Lita’s face took on a dreamy look as she sighed and whispered, “They look better than my ex-boyfriend!” Serena yelled incoherently in her excitement, while Mina stayed quiet, more focused on slowly licking the ice cream cone she was eating, certainly not making any suggestive remarks.

Amara and Michelle ended up at the table across from the other Sailor Scouts. “Hi girls,” Amara said in her dreamy monotone voice, “What is the 411? What has everyone been up to? What is the hot gossip?” Michelle gazed at her handsome cousin in a totally not-gay manner as dreamy music came over the café’s loudspeakers and a sudden breeze blew rose petals through the air.

Before Serena could respond through the 4 donuts in her mouth, though, the whistling music from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly began to play, and the rose petals were replaced by tumbleweeds. Two men entered the café, one thin and dressed in skinny jeans with an oversized plaid shirt, the other tall, muscular, and wearing an Infinity Academy letterman jacket.

Amara’s eyes narrowed at the threatening presence, and she quickly stood and strutted toward the shadowy figures, thumbs hooked on her belt loops. “You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here, Brad,” she barked at the intruders. “You really think you can just go around being the cutest guy in school, kiss my smokin’ hot and totally straight cousin here, and then come into our territory? I don’t think so, bud.”

Michelle spoke up, her voice breathy and unconvincing: “Amara, come sit back down. First off, what you just said didn’t make any sense, except for the part about me being smokin’ hot. Second, I don’t think we have time to be getting into fights when we need to research the talis… I mean the… tali… uh… the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Yeah. For our homework…” Luckily, the five inner Sailor Scouts seated at the adjacent table did not notice the pretty unconvincing cover-up of her reference to Scout business, as they were too busy drooling (quite literally, in Serena’s case) over how gorgeous Amara looked and their strictly platonic admiration for her.

Brad stared at Amara, looking skeptical. “Yo brah. Me and Mike just want to have some cocoa, that’s all, so maybe you should just lay off. Brah.” Amara grunted and turned to sit back down, but spun on her heel as she suddenly realized who the second guy was. “Wait just a second here, that’s Mike? As in the Mike that broke up with my cousin, who I’m totally not jealous of, no sir, not one bit? That Mike?”

Mike stood up from the booth he and Brad were sharing and walked up to Amara. Smiling, he extended his hand to her and introduced himself. “It’s nice to finally meet Michelle’s very handsome cousin that she hardly ever stops talking about. I’ve heard all about what a racing superstar you are. And by the way, you should know that Michelle and I broke up on very amicable terms. I mean really, she didn’t care at all, it’s like she wasn’t really all that invested in our relationship or something, I don’t know. But yeah, we’re cool. Totally cool.”

Amara squinted at Mike as the other Sailor Soldiers held their breath. Michelle, lacking almost all vocal inflection and failing to give any indication that she was emotionally involved in the situation whatsoever, tried to calm Amara down: “Come on now, Cuz. I already told you those roses weren’t from Mike, they were from that weird little kid who tried to be romantic even though I’m… much too old for him.” Finally, Amara reached out and shook Mike’s hand, resisting the inexplicable urge to punch his open palm instead, feeling that such a gesture should be reserved for only truly despicable rivals. She was taken aback, however, when her cousin invited Mike and Brad to join them at their booth.

Grumpily, Amara slid into the seat across from Michelle, and Brad followed. While stirring her hot chocolate, Michelle aimed for some truly uninspired small talk: “So, what’s new with both of you?” At this point, the inner Sailor Scouts were crouched at the end of the table, listening intently to the four beautiful people talking about such mature and grown up things.

“Actually, Michelle, we were hoping you’d be here so that we could talk with you about that. There’s something we’d like to tell you,” Brad muttered as he tore up the napkin he was holding with strong hands fit for a quarterback. “You know that Mike and I grew up together, right? We’ve been inseparable since we were born, we can almost read each other’s minds.”

“Haven’t I heard that somewhere before?” Lita whispered to Mina, who simply slapped her hand over her friend’s mouth so she could hear more of what Brad the Quarterback was going to say. Amara raised her eyebrows skeptically, but Michelle was attentive and supportive. “Yes Brad, I remember. Please go on.”

Mike reached out and took Brad’s hand in his own, beaming across the table at him. “You see, Michelle, since you broke up with both of us from an apparent lack of interest, we realized that maybe we also weren’t particularly interested in you, that maybe we’d only been performing the roles impressed upon us by heteronormative institutions like the media.”

Tears welled up in Michelle’s eyes, and a proud smile spread across her lips. “Do you mean that you two are…? Together…?”

Brad gazed lovingly into Mike’s eyes and nodded. “Yes, Michelle. Mike and I have fallen in love with each other and hope to be together forever, the truest pairing of all time.” Michelle hugged Mike as he sat next to her, the young man so happy to be here with his boyfriend and an ex-girlfriend who meant a lot to him.

“You know, Michelle,” Mike spoke with such warmth and affection in his voice, “We owe it all to you. Not because you were a bad girlfriend, even though you kind of were, I mean you never really wanted to spend time with us or anything and always seemed pretty bored when we were around. But that’s beside the point. No, we owe it all to you and your cousin here, who taught us that we should be able to love each other, no matter what anyone else says!”

Everyone fell silent.

Finally, Michelle spoke: “Brad, Mike, I… I think you’ve misunderstood. Amara is just my most precious cousin, not my…”

“Yeah!” Amara shouted back, her voice still flat and unfeeling despite the indignation that was painted across her face. “I mean, riddle me this, Batman: If we’re so in love, how come we’re girls, and cousins too?”

Brad chuckled as he clapped one hand on Amara’s shoulder. “Brah, I know it can be hard to admit, sometimes. But when we’d just won the biggest football game of the season and I was the hero of the entire school, and I went to that raging party at my buddy Trevor’s, I didn’t have any interest in the brewskies or the babes. All I could think about was Mike. And that’s when I knew. Have you ever had an experience like that, brah?”

Before Amara could answer, though, Michelle’s face went from flushed to pale, and she spoke in completely indecipherable code: “The sea is roaring, cousin!”

They barely had a few moments to jump out of their booth before the monster crashed through the window. It was a terrifying creature, a humanoid body with pale skin and the face of a grouchy old man. Over its breasts and crotch were two black censor bars, and two logos printed on its abdomen: the first read “Cwi,” while the second was “DIC.” Immediately the monster turned its attention to Mike and Brad. “I’m the great daimon Censorshipler! And I’m here to get you two! To protect the children!” As Brad and Mike stared in horror, they failed to notice that the seven girls who had been sitting near them had completely disappeared, leaving them to face their fate alone…

“Hold it right there!” The daimon spun around to find Sailor Moon and her Sailor Scouts standing atop the table behind him. The leader of the Scouts, with her hands on her hips, launched into an impromptu but effective speech condemning the monster’s goals. “The only people who would keep these two sweet hunksters from celebrating their love for one another are total Negatrash! Children need positive examples of relationships in their lives, and that doesn’t just mean one Betty and one Barney! What about the guys and the girls and the people who are both or neither who just want to be with the one that they love? How else am I supposed to marry literally all of my babelicious friends and my boyfriend at the same time? I’m Sailor Moon, the champion of all kinds of love, and in the name of the moon, I’ll kick your homophobic ass!”

The monster didn’t even have time to get his bearings, though, before rose petals once again fluttered across the room. Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus had appeared atop the bar, the highest surface in the café. “Leave this one to us, Sailor Moon!” yelled Neptune as she flipped her hair with by far the greatest amount of sass her English-speaking audience had seen yet. “From the planet with raging seas, I’m Sailor Neptune, and I’m really, really gay!” Sailor Uranus, feeling a newly awakened sense of power and confidence, also introduced herself. “And I’m from the planet that’s high up in the sky, yes I know that’s all of them but you get what I’m trying to say here! I’m Sailor Uranus, and I have hots for Sailor Neptune!”

Brad and Mike, unable to believe the scene that was unfolding around them, both fainted after seeing Neptune and Uranus, the heroines who would save their love, who looked oddly familiar…

Neptune turned to Uranus and grasped her hands gently. “Uranus, is it true? You really feel this way?” A blush spread across Uranus’ face as she sheepishly grinned at her partner. “Yes, Neptune. I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I hope you feel the same about me.” Neptune returned the smile, and gazed into Uranus’s eyes for a moment before remembering the monster who stood below them, completely flabbergasted. “I think we’d better take care of things here right now, and then we can talk about this, or do something better than talking, later.”

“Let me help you two out! The goddess of love is here for everyone!” Sailor Venus called from across the room. “I mean it, I love the ladies! Especially that Sailor Mars! What a hottie!” With her Love-Me Chain, Venus tied up the daimon, leaving him immobile. “Now, girls!”

“NEPTUNE DEEP SUBMERGE!”

“URANUS WORLD SCHICKEN!”

The daimon fell backwards, breathing heavily but still alive. “Hehehe, that’s all you’ve got for me, girls? Well, let me show you my powers! ERASURE! STRATEGIC EDITING! THREATS OF CANCELLATION!” Black censorship bars and red ‘no’ symbols flew at Neptune and Uranus. The swift Scouts dodged them, and the projectiles hit the wall behind them.

“I think it’s time for me to use my Moon Spiral Heart Attack!” shouted Sailor Moon, but Sailor Mars had the good sense to hold her back. “No, Sailor Moon. Only Neptune and Uranus can defeat this enemy.”

Uranus turned to Neptune, knowing in her heart what she must do, what she desperately wanted to do. Wrapping one arm around her partner’s waist, Uranus dipped Neptune low and laid a deep kiss on her lips. As Neptune’s hands pulled Uranus’ face closer, the monster screamed and writhed in agony. Melting to the ground, Censorshipler cursed the Sailor Scouts and their ‘deviant sexualities,’ disappearing entirely in a matter of minutes.

The inner Sailor Scouts clapped and cheered for Neptune and Uranus. “Great work, girlfriends!” Sailor Mercury called out, the fingers of one gloved hand now laced between those of Jupiter’s. Venus winked at Sailor Mars, whose face had gone red between this flirting and Sailor Moon pulling her close. “We always knew ya had it in you!” Venus called out to the two outer Scouts, who stood beaming down at all of them.

Detransforming, Michelle and Amara hopped off the bar and made their way over to Mike and Brad. “Poor guys, they’ve completely passed out,” Amara observed, checking Brad’s pulse. “They should be fine soon, though.”

“Let’s call for an ambulance for them and get out of here stat, Amara.” Michelle was looking around at the rubble left from the fight, but more than their duties as Sailor Scouts was on her mind.

Amara took Michelle’s hand and looked into her beautiful eyes with a smile. “That sounds great to me. I’m so glad they get to be together, and that now we do too.” The two beautiful Sailor Soldiers walked out of the café, followed by a trail of their signature flowers. “After all,” Amara mused, “love is everything.”


End file.
